Chris Wisnia and UncleDad's Old Timey Radio show EP 2: The Masquerade

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Music.

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the Uncle Dadoween's special limited series

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with your host, Uncle Dad, and of course, the mythical being,

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Chris Wisnia. Chris, what's up?

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What's up? Thanks for having me again.

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You know, I hope you'll never get tired of saying that because we've got a total

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of, what, four more episodes to go? Oh, gosh.

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Chris today's episode of five minute mysteries and

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for those who are just listening for the first time please go back

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and listen to the previous episode because what we're doing here to celebrate

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halloween is we're going back to the golden era of storytelling if you will

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and that is going to be through the storytelling aspect of radio shows so what

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we're doing is five minute mysteries where we all me and chris wisman work together

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to figure out who did the mystery just like you can as well while playing at home.

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So today's episode is called, are you ready for this, Chris?

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Yeah, give it to me. The Masquerade.

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The Masquerade. Oh, so this is based on the song by Berlin. Did that come out in the 40s?

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What's funny is I actually didn't make that reference and it didn't get that

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at first. I was like, oh, okay, clever man.

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But here's my question for you, Chris. If you could go to a Masquerade party

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with four celebrities of your choice that are part of your posse who do you choose,

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That's a weird question. Why?

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Well, let's think about what a masquerade party, because it would be one thing

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to just invite them to your house for dinner.

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But the fact that we're going to do this at a masquerade party,

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because now all of a sudden they're on masks, right? So I won't even know it's them, will I?

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Well, you're right. Okay. How about this? You get to invite them.

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So you get to invite four celebrities that get to come to your party,

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your last game party, who are you inviting?

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Oh, boy. Are they living or dead? Do I have to keep... Let's say...

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How real are we going to make this? We're going to make it fantasy.

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So as long as they're alive or dead, that's fine. But they just have to be human.

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Okay. They have to be human. So let's see.

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I i'm gonna choose people based

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on their costume wearing capabilities just

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kidding i i don't know that i would know how to maybe i

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should see this is always so tough for me

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because like people say oh what's your favorite movie

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and i'll think well i can probably whittle it down to my favorite hundred let's

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see i i think just for historical purposes i would need to invite jesus uh because

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you know there's a lot i would want to know about a lot of things on that end,

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and then let's see i i

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hear that stan lee was always the life of

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the party so let's let's bring him out okay and

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and i think i think just i i'm not

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just thinking who who i would like to hang out with and

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ask questions but also who's going to get along and

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be entertaining but also who's going to get

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this party the the the

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publicity right who's who's going to get the the

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cameras out to to see this party right and so let's see i i think i should invite

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a couple women after that agreed

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but i i don't know any women so i i guess it'll just be the three of us.

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Hey that's quite the party i mean you got jesus

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there last time he went to the party we know how that worked out oh

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man let me tell you mine sir here's who i would invite my four guests i would

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invite chris farley okay richard pryor okay rodney dangerfield i see a theme

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developing here it changes it gets crazy already the last and final guest.

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What was, okay, hold on. I don't want to say her name wrong.

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Hold on, hold on, hold on.

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What was her name? Nicole? Nicole. She was famous in the aughts, late 90s.

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Is she a comedian? No, she was married to that oil guy and then he died.

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Oh, yes. Yes, sorry. Anna Nicole Smith. There you go. Yes.

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Yes, that's who I would invite. And what made you choose this selection for

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the masquerade party you're going to be throwing?

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Well, Richard Fryer is probably going to tell some of the craziest jokes I can

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imagine, especially if he can be anonymous.

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Chris Farley probably could barely fit in a mask and be full party mode, right?

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And then Rodney Dangerfield, he gets no respect, so he deserves that.

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And then, of course, Anna Nicole Smith, just like you said, you need a woman there.

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And she's the one for your party, you decided. She's the one for the party. Exactly, exactly.

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So here's the question, everybody. Who had the better party?

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I just want to say I'm disappointed I didn't make your list.

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Because I would have enjoyed being at that masquerade party.

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Oh, that one would have been a good one, yeah.

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But before we kick off this show, for those who don't know who Chris Wisney

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is, I'm going to do this every episode. So Chris, tell them who you are and

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tell them where they can find your awesome work. I am Chris Wisnia.

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I am a musician and comic book creator. I've been drawing and writing comics for 20 years.

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And my latest book, Doris Danger, Giant Monsters Amok, is available from Fantagraphics.

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And you can check out fun little snippets and teasers that'll get you excited

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about it at my social media at Chris Wisnia Art,

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including my YouTube channel and website where I've got lots of fun things for you to enjoy.

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Yes, go check him out. Chris Wisniew is absolutely incredible.

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A dear friend of the Uncle Dad Talks family.

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And we're very excited to have him part of this Halloween special series.

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So I think we should kick it off, Chris. The way this show works is that we're

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going to play a little bit.

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I can interject or, you know, I can see Chris, you guys can't,

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but Chris will give me a signal. What do you think, Chris? A thumbs up or a

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finger? What do you want to?

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What's your signal? yeah let's come up with a very elaborate signal

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yes how about oh that's

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a good one all right don't don't let everyone know

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because it's got to be a secret signal exactly when we

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do that but we're going

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to interject here and there and we're hearing it

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for the first time i have not heard this and what are we what

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are we playing uncle dad what what audio are

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we playing it is from the five minute

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mysteries radio show five minutes mystery

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five minute mystery radio show was a syndicated show that.

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Came out from 1947 to 1950 basically these

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were right they were on broadcasting but they were on every little every little

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radio you can imagine because they they basically sold

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it so that they can create ads in between so you

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know syndication right like oh hey blah blah right and

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if you didn't listen to the last episode we did a whole thing about

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that so go check about that i want to repeat everything because it was a

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lot but go listen to our last episode but chris

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i'm very excited we are going to listen to five minute mysteries episode the

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masquerade starting right now and what better way to start it than what we all

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know and love with a goddamn organ here we go forever here we go five minutes Let's do it.

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Just so everybody knows that's not edited that really is how long

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it is yeah and while you're stopped i i was

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just thinking about if if we were alive back

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then and you know probably the radio is just on in the background you know in

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the family room and kids are playing with blocks and in their rooms or mom's

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making dinner or folding laundry dad maybe just got home from work and you know

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there there's probably a fair amount of.

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Variety in what you can hear you know there there's

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you know a classical orchestra playing or

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an opera or uh in the 40s you

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know they're starting to get to be some jazz if you're

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young and cool and and and there was a

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lot of the the tv programming and we we

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don't think about this so much now but when when

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this dumb organ song comes on that

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that's sort of the the cue you know oh mom dad

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the show's on everybody come in let's let's solve this mystery

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and it's like you know we we think of

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it now as come on let's let's fast forward through this let's get to

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it but but back then there there was kind of a purpose to

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this it was filling time because they had to

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fill 24 hours or 10 hours or whatever their day

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was but also but also a signal hey everyone come in and then

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that gets people in listening and gets you

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listening to the ads in between for the

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the soap detergent or the cigarettes or

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whatever you know so so there are multiple purposes to

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this that make it kind of fascinating i never really thought about that but

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i guess it's true that's probably why it's so long because then it yeah it's

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feeling time but like you said it's it's giving everybody time to gather right

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is that kind of that's that's actually really clever i think we're going to

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start doing two minute uh organ intros now all right let's continue.

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We're gonna have that all memorized

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by the end of this series we'll do a sing-along the final episode,

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Ladies and gentlemen of the Masquerade, I address you as Master of the Revels.

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You have been asked to come here disguised in the roles you have all secretly

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longed for these many years.

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You are all strangers to one another.

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Your identity known only to yourself.

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You will remain within your secret selves till midnight when you shall unmask

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and reveal your true self.

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So we know for sure someone's going to die, I imagine, right?

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You go to this party someone's dying i i've got a question for you i i'm kind

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of thrown into the middle of something i i don't know much about what do you

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know about masquerade parties well have you ever seen a movie called eyes wide

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shut is that everything you need to know about.

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What's the password no you know what i don't want to go too much into that but i can give

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me a brief little history you could guess so masquerade balls

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have been around since the 15th century i don't know if you're aware

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of that but the 15th century it kind of starts in

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venice venice seems to be where it comes from and then

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century why not sooner why not

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right but it has a very strong

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history in the in the in italy verona right

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verona italy we all know about that masquerade balls then

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extended into costume public festivals uh that

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happened during the 20th the 20th century during the

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renaissance right what's the idea with with

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dressing up in masks well i'm

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gonna get there okay but basically

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the reason why we do masquerade parties

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right is to celebrate who you are

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anonymously by wearing a mask in you

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know in very colorful fashions now they were

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worn delicately by a prosperous class

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usually at balls masquerades mask have

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been many many including hiding one's identity using different colors to express

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excuse me freedom of speech and voices one's emotions and opinions without judgment

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that was the big thing about it right there were two types of base masquerade

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mask you had a black mask and a white mask designs and patterns were created

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over the years that would kind of you know.

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Accentuate that what's really cool is the full face mask and the half face mask

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started becoming more prominent after movie actor plays such as the phantom

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of the opera roman juliet even lone ranger.

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Brought it back in more ways there is a contemporary era of of masquerades that

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would include the french the french i can't say i can't say this properly but i think it's.

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Guiana guiana i think basically it's

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a where women completely disguise

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themselves in a full body quote-unquote mask

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where you cannot tell who they are and in north america had

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a huge resurgence in the late 1990s and probably

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because of eyes wide shut so it is about actually hiding your identity It's

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a little different than like Halloween dressing up where it's about kind of

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expressing who you are or would like to be or idolize or think is fun.

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This is about being in public and maybe about kind of voicing opinions without

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having to be stigmatized by those opinions.

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Absolutely. And could you imagine back in that era, that must have been a tough

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thing to do, I'm sure, right?

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So especially as a woman i can only imagine right like being

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a woman and being able to be you know freedom of saying

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whatever you want i can only imagine how tough that was so it's kind

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of interesting to see how there was a huge resurgence of that in the french era

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right where women could go to these and just be you know completely anonymous

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not knowing anything you know from head to toe it's kind of fascinating but

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i would i would think fear of being discovered who you are like hey is anyone

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going to recognize me if i voiced these opinions

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I mean, especially if you're at a party like Eyes Wide Shut.

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I mean, and for those who don't know that reference, just Google it and you'll

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see exactly what I'm talking about.

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All right, let's continue here. For three hours, the mystery of the unknown is yours.

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I see all manner of people tonight. There is Misto, the magician,

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a gypsy, a peasant, a statesman, a clown such as myself.

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And there, there is Cinderella, who at midnight will find that dreams must end.

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So do we get that count right? Four characters? I feel like I need to rewind

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and write these down as we go.

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The great thing is the listener can, so go back and listen and write those names down.

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But I believe it's four characters I counted, right? with with

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our speaker as the clown yes yeah

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so what were they cinderella the clown how's your memory wasn't one of them

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like a statesman is that what he said i thought he said a stakeman and i was

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like what's a stakeman but a statesman makes more sense and what was the first

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one i've already gone blank.

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Wasn't that the magician? Magician. Yeah.

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All right. Here we go. Till midnight, give yourselves to the music,

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the wine and the delicacy.

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And there you have it. The magic of a sorcerer who jumped from apprentice to

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master in ten easy lessons.

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Oh, show us another, Mr. Oh, I do not have the time. It was nearly midnight.

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Can magician stop time? Not in the society I belong to.

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One more, Misto. We've hardly seen you all night. I've been walking the air,

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searching for my inspiration. Misto, come here quickly.

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Forgive me, good people. The master of the rebels calls. What is it?

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I was just walking in the garden, getting some air, and guess what I found?

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How should I know? I'm only a magician.

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The girl disguised as simple... Oh, my God.

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How should i know i'm only a magician i'm gonna start saying that when i meet

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people so they ask me a question but but you'll also have to start going around

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looking like a magician smart smart.

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She's dead what what do we do look it's

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almost midnight lock the body in a room until i get

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everyone to unmask don't let anyone suspect anything then we'll

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call the police okay i'll be right back yeah let's

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lock the body away so it wasn't

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cinderella that's what he said it was cinderella

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yeah yeah yeah so this is gonna make it

00:17:38.856 --> 00:17:42.476
easier to guess which of the others is

00:17:42.476 --> 00:17:46.076
a murderer if there's one less to choose from but was

00:17:46.076 --> 00:17:49.036
she part of the original cast though i don't remember that name cinderella was the

00:17:49.036 --> 00:17:52.776
fourth was it yeah so you

00:17:52.776 --> 00:17:56.416
knock out one so now you have three characters left and if

00:17:56.416 --> 00:18:01.036
you listen to last week's episode it's more i don't know i don't know the theme

00:18:01.036 --> 00:18:04.396
yet obviously right but it did seem like it was pretty easy to nail down who

00:18:04.396 --> 00:18:10.476
it was you don't have to choose from from a lot of choices we do know that the

00:18:10.476 --> 00:18:13.556
magician wasn't around very much,

00:18:14.596 --> 00:18:19.136
i i'm a little confused because i assumed cinderella was the woman talking to

00:18:19.136 --> 00:18:20.936
the magician all the time. I thought so too.

00:18:21.356 --> 00:18:24.796
I guess that must have been bystander, right?

00:18:25.676 --> 00:18:34.176
Also, whoever this gentleman is who came and told him, I assume it's the statement or statement man.

00:18:36.016 --> 00:18:43.056
He wasn't there watching the magician show, so he just came from somewhere. That's suspicious.

00:18:43.496 --> 00:18:48.096
I'm feeling pretty suspicious about everyone. In fact, I think Cinderella might

00:18:48.096 --> 00:18:50.516
have done it. She might have killed herself.

00:18:52.996 --> 00:18:53.556
Here we go.

00:18:54.630 --> 00:19:00.150
It is almost midnight. Prepare to unmask. And as you reveal your real selves

00:19:00.150 --> 00:19:03.490
to one another, the royal prince will become a beggar, the peasant,

00:19:03.630 --> 00:19:08.530
the wealthy man, the gypsy, a statesman, the clown, a respected philosopher, and Cinderella,

00:19:09.050 --> 00:19:13.650
poor Cinderella, her horse-drawn coach to become a pumpkin, the birthmark of

00:19:13.650 --> 00:19:15.650
poverty to show beneath her tired eyes.

00:19:16.150 --> 00:19:22.210
Midnight, unmask. Go ahead. So we missed a bunch of them. The gypsy? Yeah.

00:19:22.590 --> 00:19:26.250
I was doing that too. I was like, what? We can't name all of them,

00:19:26.330 --> 00:19:27.950
even though we've heard them twice now.

00:19:28.230 --> 00:19:31.410
But, yeah, they're a lot more than we thought.

00:19:31.930 --> 00:19:37.110
Yeah. Well, listeners, you guys have the power to go back and listen. So you guys got this.

00:19:38.130 --> 00:19:43.950
Here we go. I misto the magician and reveal. Yes, revealed as a murderer.

00:19:46.550 --> 00:19:51.950
So they're claiming the magician's the murderer. Okay. That's a pretty fast

00:19:51.950 --> 00:19:54.290
reveal, isn't it? Not a lot of clues.

00:19:54.890 --> 00:20:00.150
Not a lot of clues and i really i don't know let's listen let's listen and see

00:20:00.150 --> 00:20:08.730
if he gives us a clue before revealing how he knows how does the clown know

00:20:08.730 --> 00:20:11.630
that mr the magician is the murderer of the woman masquerading as cinderella

00:20:11.630 --> 00:20:13.430
in just a moment we'll know but first.

00:20:16.950 --> 00:20:19.810
But first let's go

00:20:19.810 --> 00:20:26.750
back to my cigarette so during this the like these sequences like this there

00:20:26.750 --> 00:20:30.830
must have been an ad in place right there had to have been i i'm guessing one

00:20:30.830 --> 00:20:35.430
or two right we're like my name's my name is george and i got the best lucky

00:20:35.430 --> 00:20:37.690
cigarettes around town and go get Lucky Strike now.

00:20:38.910 --> 00:20:43.790
And you, before we started filming these, you talked about how you've listened

00:20:43.790 --> 00:20:46.770
to a lot of old-time radio. And I've listened to a little bit as well.

00:20:47.010 --> 00:20:50.710
And back then, it was often the actor's,

00:20:51.390 --> 00:20:54.150
in in the story would would you know

00:20:54.150 --> 00:20:58.470
be delivering lines of the story and then all of a sudden just break into an

00:20:58.470 --> 00:21:03.630
ad you know it wasn't like a separately filmed thing by separate people and

00:21:03.630 --> 00:21:09.350
so it would be much easier to to insert the ads yeah but did you did you notice

00:21:09.350 --> 00:21:11.810
that i don't know how many how many you've listened to but do you notice that

00:21:11.810 --> 00:21:13.350
it's usually always cigarettes,

00:21:14.650 --> 00:21:18.350
it's cigarettes a lot yeah ...

00:21:18.350 --> 00:21:24.570
... ... ...

00:21:27.330 --> 00:21:30.050
During these points you guys are more than welcome to go grab

00:21:30.050 --> 00:21:32.850
a beer or grab a water go use the

00:21:32.850 --> 00:21:35.630
restroom yeah wash your hands you have

00:21:35.630 --> 00:21:39.630
time you got time i i'm wondering

00:21:39.630 --> 00:21:42.890
if the clues have already been given and we

00:21:42.890 --> 00:21:47.750
just weren't listening close enough do you have any idea why they would know

00:21:47.750 --> 00:21:53.150
it was the magician no because literally all he said was i was i guess this

00:21:53.150 --> 00:22:00.230
could be a clue when he said i was outside getting some air and i found cinderella in the garden,

00:22:01.430 --> 00:22:05.430
so the other guy said that right right that would have been the statesman right.

00:22:06.790 --> 00:22:09.470
So do you think it has to be has to do

00:22:09.470 --> 00:22:12.650
with being in the garden i would assume or maybe

00:22:12.650 --> 00:22:15.730
she went to go outside and do you

00:22:15.730 --> 00:22:20.350
think maybe the magician said something to the woman we thought was cinderella

00:22:20.350 --> 00:22:28.230
that gave him away maybe ah let's find out after this amazing orchestra or organ

00:22:28.230 --> 00:22:32.870
Thank We'll be right back.

00:22:32.870 --> 00:22:47.950
Thank you.

00:23:02.910 --> 00:23:08.490
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Thank you. so

00:23:08.490 --> 00:23:15.350
we're back everybody and we both made pastrami sandwiches during that musical

00:23:15.350 --> 00:23:20.390
interlude and we're ready to have our sandwiches and solve this mystery let's

00:23:20.390 --> 00:23:24.090
do it and now back to our story the masquerade,

00:23:24.630 --> 00:23:28.130
you are of your mind no but you must have been to let the proof of your guilt

00:23:28.130 --> 00:23:30.170
slip out you'd have a good case if you could prove it,

00:23:31.270 --> 00:23:34.310
So he says, you let the proof of your guilt slip out.

00:23:34.510 --> 00:23:43.330
So it was something that he accidentally said while doing his magic. Yes. Okay, let's see.

00:23:45.630 --> 00:23:52.290
I've got it. Do you? What is it? The magician was actually one of the other

00:23:52.290 --> 00:23:56.130
people dressed up, and he completely switched costumes with them,

00:23:56.170 --> 00:23:57.470
and that's how we know it's him.

00:23:58.850 --> 00:24:02.370
Ah, look at you. I don't think that's what really happened.

00:24:02.810 --> 00:24:07.430
I like that. That would be a crazy twist. That would be a crazy twist in five minutes. God, yes.

00:24:08.650 --> 00:24:11.930
All right, here we go. Of her poverty beneath her tired eyes.

00:24:12.230 --> 00:24:17.050
Why such a rich metaphor for Cinderella and a meager one for the others? She interested me.

00:24:17.270 --> 00:24:20.470
To the extent that you knew there was a birthmark beneath her right eye.

00:24:20.770 --> 00:24:22.610
You didn't know who she was. No one did.

00:24:22.990 --> 00:24:26.030
She remained masked all evening. Yet you knew what lay beneath that mask.

00:24:26.410 --> 00:24:29.530
Don't tell me that was coincidence. You saw her unmasked.

00:24:29.530 --> 00:24:32.630
Yes yes i i

00:24:32.630 --> 00:24:35.390
didn't mean to it it all happened so suddenly you should have

00:24:35.390 --> 00:24:39.530
perfected a disappearing act friend it would have stood you in good stead right

00:24:39.530 --> 00:24:46.450
now that one happened so quick i don't even know like how to really grasp that

00:24:46.450 --> 00:24:53.470
well if if it was a true masquerade how could he have seen a face covered,

00:24:54.250 --> 00:25:01.450
with moles and burke marks and then mentioned it must have been that person. Brilliant!

00:25:03.170 --> 00:25:08.630
Hold on, I'm confused though. Is it because he mentioned who it was right away

00:25:08.630 --> 00:25:10.650
and how could he do that without knowing?

00:25:10.710 --> 00:25:13.030
Is that why? I think that's what they're saying.

00:25:14.170 --> 00:25:19.130
Whatever he said, oh, you mean the woman who was dressed as Cinderella but had

00:25:19.130 --> 00:25:26.350
a mask on her face who had a birthmark god it's got it's got it's okay let's see.

00:25:31.230 --> 00:25:34.530
It might not it might not stand up in court,

00:25:36.050 --> 00:25:38.950
i don't know about that one either that's a weird one,

00:25:40.450 --> 00:25:43.370
somebody knows the mystery is over yeah it's

00:25:43.370 --> 00:25:46.410
just wondering if it's going to come back to anything or if we're done that's

00:25:46.410 --> 00:25:49.130
it that's it you know what we don't need to play the rest of thing you guys

00:25:49.130 --> 00:25:51.830
know it but uh but that was so i

00:25:51.830 --> 00:25:55.150
gotta be honest i think something i wanted to add to these shows chris

00:25:55.150 --> 00:25:58.770
is kind of rating the overall story from one

00:25:58.770 --> 00:26:01.650
to ten honestly the last one we did

00:26:01.650 --> 00:26:05.550
without giving it away if you haven't listened to it yet i actually thought

00:26:05.550 --> 00:26:09.490
was pretty clever i'll give that one an eight out of ten personally this one

00:26:09.490 --> 00:26:12.610
i don't really know if i like it that much and before i give it a number what

00:26:12.610 --> 00:26:19.750
do you think chris i i would say that first one I'd give a seven and this one maybe a four.

00:26:20.670 --> 00:26:26.790
Now I am kind of funny about ratings though in that,

00:26:27.651 --> 00:26:33.731
I don't mind rating something low and still really enjoying it. Oh, me too. Me too. Yeah.

00:26:34.291 --> 00:26:38.911
Yeah. I love bad movies too. So like, I, I mean, like it's fine.

00:26:39.111 --> 00:26:43.291
It can be, it can be like, you know, the level of the American classic,

00:26:43.471 --> 00:26:46.371
the room would still be, you know, incredible.

00:26:46.771 --> 00:26:51.131
A lot of fun to be had in low ranking culture.

00:26:51.611 --> 00:26:52.151
Oh, absolutely.

00:26:52.731 --> 00:26:56.471
So for this one, I give it a, personally, I give it a three out of 10.

00:26:56.991 --> 00:27:00.831
Yeah. I don't know that I'm convinced the murder was solved in this one.

00:27:01.011 --> 00:27:05.371
And I want to say again that my attention span is so poor.

00:27:06.211 --> 00:27:12.051
This is not a format for me to just listen through without rewinding and listening to about six times.

00:27:12.071 --> 00:27:17.011
I don't think I'd have survived in 1945 listening to these on my own.

00:27:17.531 --> 00:27:19.551
You would have been crazy. You're listening back in 1945.

00:27:20.171 --> 00:27:23.511
There is no rewind, right? You're just listening and you're like,

00:27:23.591 --> 00:27:26.451
oh, this is it. You got to stay focused.

00:27:26.831 --> 00:27:33.031
Yeah. No doubt about it. Exactly. Yeah, I read books. I reread the same page over and over again.

00:27:33.231 --> 00:27:37.171
I watch TV shows. I'm going back. What did they say? Who's this?

00:27:37.631 --> 00:27:40.671
I just have the scatterbrained mentality.

00:27:41.371 --> 00:27:44.671
And speaking of that scatterbrained mentality, our show comes to an end.

00:27:47.151 --> 00:27:50.711
Everybody, thank you for listening. This is episode two of the limited Halloween

00:27:50.711 --> 00:27:52.751
series from Uncle Dad Talks.

00:27:52.811 --> 00:27:56.191
Five Minute Mysteries, or I like to call it Uncle Dads and Chris.

00:27:56.191 --> 00:27:58.491
Sorry, let me do my old transatlantic voice.

00:27:59.031 --> 00:28:03.851
Y'all listening to Chris Wizzia and Uncle Dad Talks present.

00:28:07.511 --> 00:28:15.551
Old Tommy Radio. And then when we hang up here, I'm going to go listen to it

00:28:15.551 --> 00:28:20.651
about six more times and see if I can solve this mystery. You sure can!

00:28:22.151 --> 00:28:25.491
Everybody have a great Halloween and we'll see you all next week.

00:28:26.160 --> 00:28:59.880
Music.